Life Inside the Clow Book
Blog
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Fri, 11 May 2007
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jokes
here is the place where you can put jokes in, or
just read the ones i have.... have fun!
Posted 09:19
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14 comments
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vacation
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of
Chicago for a vacation in
Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him
there the next day. When he reached his hotel,
he decided to send his wife
a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he
had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from
memory. Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly
preacher's wife whose husband had passed away
only the day before. When
the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took
one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor
dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room
and saw this note on the
screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for
your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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a blonde's year in review
January - Took new scarf back to store because
it was too tight
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing
to print
labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.
March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw
puzzle in 6
months....box said "2 - 4 years"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power
went out.
May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong
instructions... 8 cups of water
won't fit into that little packet.
June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a
lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stoke swimming
competition...learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.
August- Got locked out of my car in a rain
storm...car swamped
because soft-top was open.
September- The capital of California is "C",
isn't it?
October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2
days...instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108 !!!
December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no
eleven on the stupid phone.
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Dwarf Problems
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two
prostitutes and take
them to their separate hotel rooms. The first
dwarf, however, is
unable to get an erection. His depression is
made worse by the fact
that, from the next room, he hears his little
friend shouting out
cries of "Here I come again ONE,
TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the
first, "How did It go?" The
first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply
couldn't get an
erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think
that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed."
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nudist colony
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On
his first day he took
off his clothes and started to wander around the
area. A gorgeous
petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately
got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him
and asked, "did you
call for me?"
The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"
She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here
that if you get an erection, it implies you
called for me." Smiling,
she lead him to the side of the swimming pool,
laid down on a towel
eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him
have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's
facilities. He
entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a
huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room
toward him.
"Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.
"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's
a rule that if you
fart, it implies that you called for me." The
huge man easily spun
him around, put him over a bench and had his way
with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office
where he was greeted
by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help
you?" she asked.
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key
back and you can
keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here
a few hours. You
haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an
erection once a month,
but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."
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anniversary
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
anniversary on the
beaches In Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic
tranquility had long
been the talk of the town. People would
say, "What a peaceful &
loving couple". The local Newspaper reporter was
inquiring as to the
secret of their long and happy marriage.
The husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our
honeymoon in
America," explained the man. "We visited the
Grand Canyon, in
Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of
the canyon, by horse.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse
stumbled and she almost
fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and
quietly said, "That's
once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse
stumbled again. Once more my
wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse
stumbled for the third
time. my wife quietly removed a revolver from
her purse and shot the
horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman!
Why did you shoot
the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??" She
looked at ME, and
quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment.....we have lived happily
every after."
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Haha!
I'm not sure which is my fave... The jokes about
the vacation or the nudist colony are my faves... LOL
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more
i have lots more......but there are too many to
put on here...
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ROFLMAO
hey there I loved the jokes specially the Dwarf
ones and anniversary ..cool put the others here i
would love to read em sometime
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no nativity in washington
NO NATIVITY IN WASHINGTON
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be
a nativity scene in
Washington , D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for
any religious
constitutional reason. They simply have not been
able to find three
wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough
asses to fill the stable.
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how pets came to be
HOW DOGS CAME TO BE :
Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of
Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the
garden, you walked with us every
day. Now we do not see you any more. We are
lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you
that will be with you and who
will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
you will love me even when you
cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are
and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion
for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam
and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all
the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of
a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal
to be a reflection of my love for
you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a
companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel
came to the Lord and said, "Lord,
Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They
strut and preen like peacocks and they believe
they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too
well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion
who will be with them and who will see them as
they are. The companion will remind them of
their limitations, so they will know that they
are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam
and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and
Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they
were reminded that they were not the supreme
beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
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men vs. women
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws"
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding
items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I
asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to
come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I
could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN ' S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I ' m not going to understand women.
I ' ll never understand how you can take boiling
hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out
by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how
many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man ' s 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because
we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and
asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don ' t know
how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted
to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM
for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he
knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was
about to go and
see why his wife hadn' t wakened him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake
up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of
contests.
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about
who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you
get up first,
and then we don ' t have to wait as long to get
our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and
I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can ' t believe that, show
me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that
it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece.
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funny
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hey guys(jerry)
sorry i havent been on here for a while.ive been
caught up in so much things lately.so i got a new
zoomshare site with some friends of mine over in
cali,where i will be living in summer '08.chat
with me there or on the myspace site that is
listed on it,since i dont use my myyearbook site
any more.u mite see some things on there from my
college stuff so keep posted please.Thanx!:) KEEP
ROCKIN sorry i havent been keepin in touch
with ya Kara
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no your not
no your not.... admit it....jk....why wont you
call me? what about the band?
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